we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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