why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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