I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize