I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
