we have pet lesbian snakes
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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