She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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