I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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