dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
