dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
