i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
porn star boner night. come get it.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
NoShamevember. You game?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
