oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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