Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
