her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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