Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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