It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
