Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
