you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
jump out the window naked night went bad
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
