ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
