How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
try to milk me bitch
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
