Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
