Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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