I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
