You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.â€
Randomize
