I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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