so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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