The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
