The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
