it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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