sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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