Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
