I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
