Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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