True but thats because hes a fetus.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
