I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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