dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
