dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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