You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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