I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
