theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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