When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
