can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
