I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
