I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
