Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I can text with my tongue
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Randomize
