Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
