there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
