I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
