i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
