I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
