I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Everclear isn't food dammit
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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