is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
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