she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
