she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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