Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I bet he comes in French.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
