Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
