she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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