I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize